hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
