coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
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