cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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