just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Randomize
