dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
