Who did Billy Mays play for?
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Randomize
