My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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