life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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