Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
