All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
