why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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