I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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