I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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