just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
