Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Randomize
