i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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