You can't motorboat a personality
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
