: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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