your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
