I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
