They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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