Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
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