shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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