i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
