I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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