its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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