You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Randomize
