Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
