Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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