Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
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