I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
