I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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