You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Randomize
