This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
