If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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