rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Randomize
