If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize
