we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Your topless pictures make me question reality
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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