I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
