***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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