New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Sacagawea was the original milf.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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