Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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