I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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