made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
should my penis look like a turkey
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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