is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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