Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize