can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
