i jhust puked up my retainher.
What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
