I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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