i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
even my farts smell like vagina
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
