No period for spring break; use this wisely.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
