How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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