I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
