We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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