you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Randomize
