you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
