im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Randomize
