I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
