think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
