They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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