Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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