I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
