i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
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