the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
