Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
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